I recently had such a jarring experience of how pride interfered with my situational awareness that I couldn’t help but share. I'm telling this story because anyone who needs the ability to read a room – be it a board room, the weekly team meeting, or a 1:1 with a manager, peer or team member – may benefit from hearing about it. “Reading the room” is a key component of executive presence, and my recent epiphany is quite related to this skill.
In a workshop I participated in about a month ago with some other coaches, I shared a model I developed which I was thought was quite good. It had already proven to be extremely valuable to two of my clients. So, I went into the meeting with a high level of excitement that the other coaches would love my idea and I’d receive positive feedback, even accolades!
My 2 1/2-minute presentation concluded; I eagerly awaited the reactions of my fellow coaches. The first person began to speak and within twelve seconds, my heart sank. It didn’t sound like something I wanted to hear. Then some other people commented. I came away from the experience a bit disappointed. It didn’t seem to me that they loved my model. I wasn’t crushed – after all, I had tried it with two of my clients and they found it helpful. But I was hoping for a more affirming reaction from those whose opinion I valued.
A Serendipitous Replay
Fast forward about four weeks. For reasons unrelated to the disappointment I’ve just described, I needed to review the recording of that same workshop. I had completely forgotten about my presentation or that this recording included it. So, I was surprised when at the 41-minute mark, there I was, presenting. I decided to watch, even as the remembered disappointment accompanied my surprise.
At about the 44th minute, my presentation ended and the feedback began. By the 46th minute, I began to realize that… they loved it! The group’s feedback was actually very positive. Every single person who gave feedback pointed out a different thing they liked about my model. No one suggested it had any drawbacks. Why didn’t I hear what they actually said as the situation was actually unfolding?
Then it occurred to me. One of the words the very first person to speak used was “but.” I went back again to listen to everything he said. And I recognized the problem was not with him but with me. Here's how it happened: When I heard him utter the word “but,” I braced myself! Because surely his "but" was there to introduce a rejection of something in my model. I re-experience that moment: My focus shifted to constructing defenses inside, and I no longer was able to hear what he was actually saying. I was no longer listening. I was inside my own fearful head, and it crippled my ability to hear what the next four people who commented actually said. All because of a “but.”
I can’t blame the person whose use of “but” word threw me into a defensive tizzy ” Yes, I’ve been taught that sometimes it can be helpful for people, especially those in leadership positions, to find ways to change their “but” to an “and.” I’ve practiced turning my own “buts” to “ands.”
Yet in this case, I find that I’m the responsible party for my failure to track with what was truly happening. My epiphany as I reviewed the feedback four weeks later, was to understand with unmistakable clarity that my brain put a powerful filter over my ears to protect... my brittle pride! I let a single, three-letter word (not even a four-letter word!) get in the way of listening objectively to what others in the room were saying.
I could only say “Wow!” as I came face to face with how inaccurately I processed the group’s feedback.
It is not a stretch to say that I lost contact with reality.
This led me to consider meetings or conversations over the course of my career, when a team leader or member did not seem to grasp the true meaning of something that was clear to every other participant. Almost as though they had no awareness of reality. I remember a time or two of wanting to ask my boss, "What's your team really telling you?"
To be clear, I’m quite aware of how groupthink can hamstring the business problem-solving process. A pattern of unanimity can be a symptom of a deeper problem. It’s healthy to encourage talented people to share diverse perspectives. High-performing teams have learned how to encourage and benefit from those discussions. I don't want to discourage anyone from advocating their unique perspective. In fact, I believe if I develop strategies to recognize and manage the self-protective reaction that sparked this article, I'd be even more able to hear and appreciate diverse perspectives when business problem solving.
Impacts and Solutions
How easy it can be to miss what’s really going on in the room when our self-protective reactions prevent us from truly listening to what others are saying. It can cause us to completely misread the meeting room or boardroom and miss the point of an entire conversation. The consequences can range from a failure to tailor our own words to the true situation and therefore 'lose the room;' or lead us to inadequate conclusions and decisions.
Executive or leadership development coaching can help a person in any leadership or management role to develop the self-awareness needed to recognize what may trigger their self-protective reactions during business conversations. Coaches also can co-create strategies with their clients to prevent them from losing their objectivity the way I did. The end result could be an enhanced level of situational and interpersonal awareness – skills that are high on the list of things that contribute to a leader’s executive presence and ability to navigate the complexities of steering their team or organization through any kind of volatility, uncertainty, complexity, and ambiguity. Why is that true? Because it’s an important way to keep any team, including a C-level leadership team, all on the same page with less misunderstanding and greater capability to benefit from the rich and complimentary viewpoints your talented people bring to the table.
My “aha!” moment as I listened to my presentation in retrospect made me aware of something I can work on to be even more situationally aware and present with the people I live and work with. I’m grateful for the skillful coaches I’ve found who can help me to increase my ability to hear what’s really going on when others are speaking.
Comments